Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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