shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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