What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
