Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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