Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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