i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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