when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
should my penis look like a turkey
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
