dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
