Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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