In the future we'll all be gay
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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