Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
