I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
