I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
