So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
