I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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