i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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