To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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