I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
