I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Randomize
