when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
