What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
