Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
