Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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