How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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