Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
