Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
