I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
