Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
