listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think my fart just growled at me.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
