I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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