11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
