An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
