time to smoke my breakfast
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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