I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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