So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
