just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
