I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I came so hard my ears popped.
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