we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
