I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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