I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
