I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
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Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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