i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
