please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
