I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
