i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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