I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I got her a Nickelback box set.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
