It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
PANTIES FOUND
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