too bad you live with your parents still
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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