i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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