My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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