it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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