When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
