This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
