I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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