Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
