When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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