U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
